An Open Letter to E-mail Spammers: Why Did You Stop Trying?

Posted: July 23, 2008 in creative writing, entertainment, Funny, humor, joke, laugh, life, Me
Tags: , , , , ,

This morning when I awoke and checked my e-mail, there was a message from someone I had never heard of.  Her name was Jutte McIntos and her email’s subject simply said, “Re: It paays to Meen’s Heatlh.”  At first I was confused.  She had cared enough to capitalize only the first letter of each word, but she had included far too many extra vowels and scrambled up several consonants.  Why?  I went from confused to angry when I opened the email only to discover the following brief and unalluring message:

Click here and recieve great discounts: [link deleted]

Extned yoour ngiht with Sooft Cilais.

That was it?  Why Jutte, why?  When did you stop believing that I might purchase your product if only you took the time to spell words like “your,” “night,” and “pay” correctly?  What happened to the days when you (or people like you) would at least make an attempt to fool me into clicking on your link in order to find some hidden deal on penis extending drugs or breast enhancing natural minerals?  Why did you stop trying?

Bring me back to the halcyon days when there was a faint glimmer of hope that a certain combination of vitamins and minerals could add 1-3 inches to my private parts, or that I could really stand to inherit $5 million dollars from a deceased relative who worked in the Nigerian oil industry.  I miss those days.  I want a Kevin Trudeau-esque wooing.  Is that too much to ask?  I want you to make me believe that you still put a lot of time and energy into making me think your claims are legitimate.  And even if you don’t, at least make it appear that you do.  I don’t think I am asking too much.  Just run the spell-checker from time to time.  It’s the little things like that that show you care Jutte.

Yours Truly,

John

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Comments
  1. howard says:

    I just happened to stumble onto your site via traineo, quite an interesting open letter to Spammers. I too, often receive unsolicited lack luster campaigns for penial enhancement products and/or magical dietary supplements. It’s usually half a sentence in length with a web address attached. These guys really need to step it up a bit. But hey at least the Nigerians don’t seem to think I’m worthy to be a contributor.

    Keep up the interesting posts!

  2. ROFLMAO.

    The semi-serious answer is that spam filters have gotten more sophisticated and can identify certain words as being typical spam. Misspelling them helps to avoid that.

  3. So they really do still love me, they are just trying to avoid the barriers that separate us? YAY!!!!! I am so happy to know that. 😉

  4. Yep. Certain words are dead giveaways, so they keep trying new variant spellings until something gets through.

  5. Teresa says:

    One of them is a big contributer to Michele Bachmann…maybe you could ask him?

    http://dumpbachmann.blogspot.com/2008/07/better-know-contributor-erotica-edition.html

    LOL! I really thought you would like the above link. I think they go too far in calling the spam ads “pornography”. ‘course a case could be made for it…they’re silly, akward, embarassing, poorly written and full of empty promises. 🙂

  6. I’ll swing by and give it a look Teresa.

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