Archive for the ‘sarcasm’ Category

The Sex Police & the War on Sex

“Ken Giles was jogging in a park in Johnson City, Tenn., when, as he put it, “nature called.” He went off the trail to go take care of business. Then an undercover agent “put the badge in my face and told me that I was under arrest. I just thought I was in trouble for urinating in public.”

It was much more humiliating than that. The park was the site of a police crackdown on gay men using the park for sex. But the police went beyond arrests. Before anyone was convicted, they posted the names, addresses and photos of the men.

Giles’s wife saw his picture on the news. Then his employer fired him. “When I lost my job … my wife was so upset that she had a … a major heart attack.”

Another man named by the police killed himself.” – John Stossel

What purpose does this kind of thing serve?  Why can’t police distinguish between someone trying to relieve themselves and someone try to get some kicks from public sex?  Why are police so busy hiding in bushes or bathroom stalls trying to entrap people into engaging in illicit activities?  While engaging in sexual acts in clear public view in front of others should indeed be a crime, There is no need for all this covert activity and undercover work.

Banning Fast Food to Fight Obesity?

“Jan Perry, a Los Angeles city-council member, is spearheading legislation that would ban new fast-food restaurants like McDonald’s and KFC from opening in a 32-square-mile chunk of the city, including her district.” – WSJ

You might ask why?  The standard response from advocates of such measure

“[These measures are] crucial in the fight against obesity, diabetes and other diseases and health conditions.”

While all of you know I take seriously the problem of obesity in America, this is certainly not the way to go about it.  Limiting the choices of all members of society because some abuse their freedom is the very antithesis of what one should expect from their government.  This problem will only be solved when individuals take responsibility for their actions, not when the government bans or sin taxes every last twinkie, Big Mac, or fried food found in fast food restaurants, grocery stores, or your very own fridge.

Grown up P.E.- Do you Still Hit the Dork With Glasses? Wait, That’s me!

“This is Old School P.E., a two-hour exercise program strictly for adults, built around grown-up versions of gym class staples. Participants say getting in shape is a bonus to the main attraction — a Friday night out with friends, away from the kids.” – Yahoo! News (more…)

Wouldn’t you know it, my top rated post today is none other than my classic, “Beyonce’s Breasts and Beyond” post from last month that poked fun at internet comment spammers.  Not only was this my most popular post today, but most of those who read it reached the post through a direct search for the terms “Beyonce’s breasts,” “Beyonce Breasts,” “Beyonce + Breast,” or some other variations on the theme.  How many people found my blog using those search terms today?  Let’s just say more than 3 dozen.

This all leaves me with one very important question.  Is there something going on with Beyonce’s breasts that I should know about?  I guess I just might have to Google the same search terms to find out.   HA!  Luckily, I have too little free time to spend in such pursuits, so I will leave the Googling of Beyonce’s chest to trained internet professionals.

There used to be a day when you could fill out your tax forms and residency forms, hand them in, and things worked out perfectly fine.  However, now thanks to the Department of Homeland Security you MUST complete your I-9 form in front of a human resources representative.  I guess because human resources employees can somehow spot a terrorist?!

So thanks to homeland security, I now have to drive an hour and fifteen minutes round trip (almost a quarter tank of gas- $8 worth) for 2 minutes worth of paperwork.  Isn’t government bureaucracy grand?  NO!  And no, I can’t fill it out on my first day teaching because my class starts on Tuesday and the forms MUST be filled out on the first day of classes- Monday.  If you don’t do that the college can’t hire you.  It’s that convoluted…I mean…simple.

Oh, and by the way, we were told by a representative of the HR department that they ARE NOT allowed to tell us what documents we need to bring with us.  You heard that right. Stupid, isn’t it?  I guess this is like some kind of citizenship documents pop quiz.   I am going on the assumption they need my license and social security card- but I am not ruling out that they may want my birth certificate, blood sample, urine sample, and my D.N.A.

So if you wonder why I am only posting this non-weight loss related blog post today, now you know.  But hey, at least my employer will know I am not some crazy terrorist.

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Be sure to swing by and check out my post on the “happiest” debate ever. By happy I mean, well, you will know when you see it.

Okay, I am not good at surprises- I give my wife her birthday gifts a month early every year. Today’s post over at Musings, Rants, and Monologues is all about the recent Democratic candidate debate out in the so-called city of angels. The debate, to the best of my knowledge, was the first debate ever to cater directly to “happy” people, and broadcast on a “happy” channel.

I hope you enjoy. [Third click is the charm]

Well, I decided that this blog isn’t a good place for all my crazy right-wing libertarian views to be expressed.  I definitely don’t want to turn anyone off to weight loss because of politics.  I would rather they be healthy than agree with my political views.  So I figured why not use my old blog [shameless plug included right here jjkaiser.blogspot.com].

Now, you all know that I am blunt and honest with you, right? Well, you should.  And if you don’t I can’t help that.  Anyway, here comes the honesty.  Blogger allows me to use Google AdSense and make some money off blogging.  And my wife seems to think that I should be making money as much time as I put into this blogging stuff.  So when you swing by my old blog (now my alternative blog) be sure to check out the Google ads- it will make my wife smile and she might just allow me to keep blogging.  Every click on Google ads on the blog is a vote to keep my blogging activities going.  Has the guilt trip worked yet?  Good.

If you want to know what else you cant expect at the new blog just follow this link.  I think I’ve laid it out clearly.  See you there!

Here are some sentences I humbly offer to help you on your way [If you use any of these sentences in your next great novel please give me credit.]:

“IF it weren’t for those damn squirrels! Now I was left to ponder, how would I get my toast out of the tree.”

Okay, that was two sentences, but just let it slide. Squirrels who steal toast aren’t for you?  How about this gripping beginning:

“AS my car spun off the road, and all I could think was, “How did that Elk know my name?”

Okay, the idea of a talking elk doesn’t get you thinking (in which case I must ask, what is wrong with you?).  But I’ll try something else.  If you want a deeply emotional beginning that tugs at the heart string, how about this:

“I had to admit, I did love her. But could I live with her odd obsession to shoelaces?”

So you didn’t like the squirrels, the talking elk, or the shoelace obsessed girlfriend. Well, you sure are tough to please. But maybe these next few might help:

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