Archive for the ‘writing’ Category

Why is it that I post a few pictures of me shirtless, write an article or two about the health benefits of sex, and occasionally make a comment about the value of a healthy sex life in a good marriage and I get search terms like these…

weird fetish

Well that one was relatively tame, I admit, but how about these surprisingly specific and odd sexually charged search terms…

+humor +”calorie counting” +sex activity

So he wanted to get some laughs, some exercise, and some sex.  One of those doesn’t seem to fit.

adult magazine with hermaphrodite

I don’t have any recommendations to offer on this one.  Nope, none.  I swear!

gym sex

Although it might  be healthy and burns lots of calories, you might want to keep it at home.  But if you must use the gym, try the aerobics room.  And definitely DON’T try the treadmill, no matter how tempting it might be.  Trust me.

deliberate weight gain fetish

Um, how about a deliberate weight loss fetish?  That would be healthier and the food wouldn’t cost nearly as much.

fetish stuff

Unless your fetish is topless fat guys I can’t help you.

beyonces beaver

Why is it that people searching for illicit pictures of various parts of Beyonce’s anatomy refuse to use apostrophes?  Seriously, is it that hard!?

analysis of catfight fetish

Would this be actual cats fighting or women fighting each other?  Either way, it is weird.

sex exercise with photo

I don’t mind giving out advice, but you ain’t getting no pictures of me naked.  Shirtless is the best you’re gonna get. My apologies.

With the odd sex stuff behind us, how about this oddly specific search terms…

christmas rottweiler

Would this be a Rottweiler with a bow?  Or a special kind of dog with green fur?

pics fat southern cops giving tickets

Okay, this is possibly the MOST specific search term I’ve ever seen.  The kind of search term that makes you wonder what inspired this search.

sinus infections teeth long strings of m

I just have to know what the next word was!  Mucus? Monkeys? Marmosets?

nigerian baby pictures

Madonna?  Angelina Jolie?

“my forearms are burning” funny

The phrase in quotes doesn’t seem to go with the word funny in any way, shape, OR form!

fat guy on beach pic

I get this search term all too often- about twice a day.

“13 year old girl”

WHY?

fat rolls

I ask again, WHY?

things germans say

“I love wearing socks with sandals.”  Is that close?

Well, what are my blogging plans for the next month or so (at least the highlights)…

First, I will be writing three posts for StraighttotheBar.com.  [Click on the link now and see a video a guy bending a wrench].  Most likely the posts will be entitled:

“Eliminating the Lug Nuts: How to Find a Good Trainer.”

“The Power of the Negative.”

“Visualization: No Longer just for New Age Hippies.”

Much to my wife’s chagrin over at Musings, Rants, and Monologues I will be posting on my recent quest to build the perfect minority.  Trust me, it will be both offensive, sophomoric, and politically incorrect to the 1,000 degree.

And right here on this, my main blog, I will be posting on my recent struggles with food, our upcoming travels, getting a handle on credit card debt (our experience), and the kind of things you do to start a mental transformation that can keep pace with your physical transformation.  See you later!

For those of you stuffy types that like to read book reviews, this post is for you.

book-review-of-american-traditions-final.doc

The best line in this particular review follows below:

The result is a history of American politics that stresses political commonalities, often at the cost of historical figures respectability—bespotting the memory of the great men of American history in much the same way pigeons alter public monuments.”

Catch the remainder below to see the full paper.

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Just to whet your appetite, I wanted to let everyone know that I will be posting an excellent break down of the Democratic debate that was broadcast on LOGO this past week. For all those unfamiliar with LOGO, it is a cable network geared towards homosexual men and women.

When I checked out their web page there is an ad on top for a dating service that states, “Gay Republicans Welcome (all three of you).” [I applaud them for making their own Match site instead of suing E-Harmony].

But this post isn’t simply to pimp MY OTHER BLOG. No. Okay, maybe a little. But the primary reason I am writing this is to drop some knowledge on you. In writing my recent post for my other blog I learned a few interesting things that you should know. Remember being forewarned is being forearmed…

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Care to take a trip down memory lane? A trip to the 2004 election, a time when John Kerry and John Edwards were best of friends. Some might say, soul mates. Could it be that their relationship was a model for all man-to-man relationships?

I’ll let you decide. The full post is available here.
kerry-edwards-pic-1.jpg

Just in case you missed the last link, You could also click here.

Who is the best female news personality? The answer is easy. Wanna find out? Good. I knew I could sucker you in…err….I mean interest you. Just click here to find out.

Remember every time you click a Google ad on jjkaiser.blogspot.com and angel gets his wings. Okay, maybe an angel doesn’t get wings, I mean, theologically speaking, I think they come equipped with them, and when we die we don’t become angels.

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I need help from the grammarians of the blog world (as grammar is my Achilles heel).  If you are trustworthy and have some extra time, leave me a comment and some way to contact you and I will forward you this splendid encyclopedia entry I put together on slave patrols.  Let me know whatever errors you might see.  I also appreciate any suggestions on content, as this is written for an encyclopedia directed towards college students and other non-specialists.

Here are some sentences I humbly offer to help you on your way [If you use any of these sentences in your next great novel please give me credit.]:

“IF it weren’t for those damn squirrels! Now I was left to ponder, how would I get my toast out of the tree.”

Okay, that was two sentences, but just let it slide. Squirrels who steal toast aren’t for you?  How about this gripping beginning:

“AS my car spun off the road, and all I could think was, “How did that Elk know my name?”

Okay, the idea of a talking elk doesn’t get you thinking (in which case I must ask, what is wrong with you?).  But I’ll try something else.  If you want a deeply emotional beginning that tugs at the heart string, how about this:

“I had to admit, I did love her. But could I live with her odd obsession to shoelaces?”

So you didn’t like the squirrels, the talking elk, or the shoelace obsessed girlfriend. Well, you sure are tough to please. But maybe these next few might help:

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Take a chance. Who would have thought 15 years ago that J.K. Rowling would be so fabulously famous and rich? Not even J.K. Rowling I bet.

I got to thinking about this when I went through some old boxes last month. In one box I found one complete opera and one half way finished opera I wrote when I was 17 (maybe 18). I no longer have the compilation disk of classical music I used- since I can’t compose music worth a darn. But the characters and their words came back to life in my mind the moment I opened the somewhat yellowed pages of the old notebook where I recorded these little experiments in lyrics.

In another box I found a series 17 sonnets I wrote when I was in my freshman year of college. Sadly, the middle sonnets [7, 8, and 9] were missing. But reading through them I was amazed at how optimistic, idealistic, and verbose I was back then.

In yet another box I found my handwritten notes about operas I wanted to put together, with story lines and characters. I found my notes on books I wanted to write back when I was 19. One book was about a major revolution in the U.S. led by a Cuban-American Senator and a young idealist- whose death at the gallows inspired an apathetic populace. Another was a Swiftian satire about a young scholar who travels through different nations recording their history and his experiences with the local government. I remember writing one about his experiences in a socialist state, but sadly, I can’t find it anywhere.

The last was a book based on an old Spanish folk tale about a beautiful young woman who lived in a large glass enclosure inside an old bar. Two rich young men come to court her, and pay the barkeep large sums of money in order to visit with her. Can you guess what happens next? Well go ahead and guess before you click on the page break.

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