Warning: This post is NOT to be taken seriously.
I’m the last person you would expect to give advice on how to break the law- but even I have my anti-establishment side. Why am I giving this advice? Well, because I am sick and tired of seeing otherwise good and law-abiding citizens being pulled over and ticketed just to raise revenue. There is little secret that the government makes more money using cops to ticket speeders, than it does fighting crime.
That being sad, here is the CYA language….
The following material is meant only as a theoretical discourse, the owner of this blog is not responsible for anyone dumb enough to engage in the following behavior. By blinking your eyelids you accept the above mentioned conditions and release this blog’s author from any potential liability. Furthermore, by clicking on the below link to “read more” you release the owner of this blog from all liability AND owe him a back rub and twenty bucks.
[Read More by clicking below]
Step 1. Know Your Surroundings
First things first. What kind of road are you on? If you are speeding on a residential street, then you DESERVE to be pulled over. This advice column is intended for application ONLY to highways.
The most important thing for you recognize is whether or not there is a natural or man-made barrier between your lanes of traffic and the oncoming lanes of traffic. The bigger the better! This allows you to ignore the possibility of a police officer traveling the opposite direction- a very easy way to get busted.
Step 2. Check Your Mirrors
You should already be checking your three mirrors (2 side view mirrors and the rear view mirror) regularly- every 20-35 seconds. Use these to ensure that no cops are sneaking around in the back, and be especially careful around on-ramps. Also, keep an eye on the road in front of you. Duh!
As you can see most of this stuff are things you should ALREADY be doing- it is part of safe driving. The only difference is that you need to be on the look out for marked police cars AND whatever model of car (Camaro, Mustang, Crown Victoria, etc.) your local police department or sheriff’s office uses for unmarked cars.
Step 3. Find Your Mark
Your “mark” is any numb skull willing to speed ahead of you. When you find that one person- and trust me there are always lots of them- get in the same lane and travel several car lengths behind them. DO NOT ride their bumper!
HOWEVER, feel free to use the guy who IS riding your bumper as your “mark.” Just ease over into the left lane, let him pass, and then get back over. I can’t describe how many times I’ve had the satisfaction of watching a jerk who rode my bumper get pulled over.
The beauty of having a mark is that he/she will take the first hit of any potential cop in front of you. His pain is your gain, since you will have time to respond- plus that cop is now occupied.
Step 4. Never TRUST Semi-trailers/trucks
Don’t be deceived, that huge trailer your riding next to might be hiding a cop car two lanes away. So anytime you speed past one of these land behemoths, DOUBLE-CHECK. Be certain to pass at no more than 6 or 7 miles per hour over the speed limit- giving you more than enough time to respond should you spot a cop.
Step 5. This ISN’T foolproof
Since this was written by a fool, it most certainly isn’t foolproof. Even the best get caught sometimes. If you do get caught, don’t flip out, don’t call the cop a pig, don’t start crying, just suck it up and take it like a man. And above all, make sure you resist the strong temptation is reply with a wise ass remark to questions from the officer, like, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
However, for those of you who enjoy nightstick beatings, I will conclude with a few witty (and not-so-witty) retorts that you might enjoy using- at your own risk.
“Lonely morning at the donut shop and you decided you needed some company?”
“Because you’re too fat to work a job that doesn’t allow you to sit behind the wheel of a car all day, and only requires you to walk one car length every half hour?”
“I remind you of your boyfriend and you were in the mood to snuggle?”
“You wanted to ask someone who graduated from high school what it’s like to be successful?”
“You couldn’t find any black people to harass?”
“You want to borrow a few bucks from someone who makes way more than 34k a year?”
BTW, I respect police officers and know that most of them have graduated from high school. The above were only attempts at humor, and are not necessarily indicative of my view of police officers.