A Fireside Chat with the Adversary

[The following is a parody meant for Christians to better understand the nature of their enemy. The interviewer is yours truly, and the interviewee is Satan himself. He arrived dressed in a white suit- “sintraesque”- with a black handkerchief in the pocket and well polished black dress shoes.]

Interviewer: I would like to thank you for joining us, here at the Fireside Chat today. What should I call you? Accuser, Adversary, Deceiver, Diablos, Prince of Devils…

Satan: You flatter me. No please, call me Satan, that is fine.

Interviewer: Okay Satan. You generously agreed to chat with us here today about what you are currently doing in the world.

Satan: There is nothing generous about it, humans are quite foolish, it is a pleasure to discuss how easily I deceive them. Plus I know it really makes God upset, and there is nothing I enjoy more than getting under that guy’s collar.

Interviewer: Well then, why don’t you tell us about some of your favorite tricks.

Satan: Sure, be glad to. First, I really have to tell you I love Atheism. I know its nothing grand, but nothing like making these creatures deny their creator. I love to lead atheists into paroxysms of sheer joy with deceptions about Christ’s existence, the greatness of man alone, you know, the usual. I have them totally convinced that there is nothing greater then themselves. Just look how they reacted to my latest ploy- the whole tomb of Christ thing- I mean I just rehashed an old deception from 11 years ago and they act like it is the newest and greatest discovery since sliced bread.

But atheists can be so boring- I mean I have them exactly where I want them. It is much more fun to attack those who are agnostic or don’t even think about religion. Sometimes I can’t believe the ridiculous bromides I feed them. I once said about four decades ago, “You only get one life to live, so live it up.” I almost kicked myself after I said that when I realized how inane the whole thing sounded until I heard it being parroted around the world within a few years. Come on now, you tell me, if they only get one life what does it matter how they live? I told you they were fools.

Interviewer: It is obvious you take pride in your work.

Satan: Anyone who knows anything about me, knows I love to take pride in myself. It’s even one of my favorite tools to use within the Church.

Interviewer: Within the Church? I didn’t know…

Satan: Well I don’t technically go into the church, I don’t like the place. I wait for them to get in their car on the way home, and I start to suggest little things. I say things like, “It doesn’t seem like they appreciate what you do for the church” or “Why don’t you take some time off for yourself, you’ve been spending a lot of time at the church lately, you’ve earned it.” You know, little things, the kind of things that get them to grow resentful and bitter. Maybe someone didn’t shake their hand or acknowledge them like they expected, I play that up big time! You would be amazed the little stuff I’ve used to turn believers off to church and God. Sometimes even I’m amazed!

Interviewer: Why do you think it is so easy for you Satan?

Satan: Well, a couple reasons actually. First, these guys don’t seem to have any religious work ethic. They sit in a pew and listen for 45 minutes, sing for 15, and that’s it. They know just enough for me to enter into their minds and twist what they do know to my benefit. They don’t study that Bible of theirs regularly (if at all), they don’t pray to Him unless things go really bad, and they certainly don’t seem to think they need to control and discipline their tongues and actions. You see, this is so easy I should feel guilty- if I weren’t evil I just might.

Interviewer: Could you tell us more about prayer and bible study?

Satan: Blah, that kind of stuff is so infuriating, I am just glad so many “Christians” forgo them entirely. And, I must claim responsibility for many of those who do ignore their prayers and bible study. I like to make them think they don’t have time for bible study, and as for prayer, I don’t throw them any curve-balls- if life isn’t tough they won’t bother to pray. I only hassle the hardcore Christians. I really don’t get anything from it, I just enjoy making their lives miserable when I get the chance.

Interviewer: Getting back to those tricks of yours…

Satan: Oh yes. Well you must keep in mind, I start with an advantage. Thanks to the church in the middle ages everyone has certain, umm, expectations of me.

Interviewer: You mean horns, hoofed feet, pitchfork, half-goat…

Satan: Exactly! At some point the church did some great PR work for me. I mean I am sure they thought it made me look bad, but what it really did was make Christians unable to recognize me. I mean, come on. Do you think a fallen angel as beautiful as myself would go around dressed like that? What a joke. So don’t get me wrong, at the time I was angry, but now, it was like a gift.

Interviewer: How so?

Satan: They don’t see me coming. I suggest something that sounds nice and well-intentioned and they can’t recognize me. If you want to see my handiwork, just take a look at all the “liberal” theologians (and the mass of people) who can’t tell the difference between Christ and Gandhi. I mean, thanks to me, they think Christ was about nothing more than being a nice guy. How many times have you heard people say, “I will go to heaven as long as I am a good person.”

Interviewer: Lots. I was just watching a biography show on Jenna Jameson the porn star. I bet you know her. And she said those EXACT words!

Satan: I know, I know, thanks, it was me who created that phrase. But think about that. It was SO simple to do. With only a few words I took their minds off Christ and focused them on themselves. Once again, I can hardly take credit since it is so easy to get humans to focus on themselves.

You know what I enjoy the most about those words? It is such a kick in the teeth to that self-righteous Jesus. Think about it, he sacrifices and endures all that pain on the cross for these inferior beings and they turn around and won’t even acknowledge it- heck they even think they can do it on their own. I hope he is somewhere right now wishing he had taken my offer of all the kingdoms of this world. If he had I am sure he would be just as cynical as me about these worthless creatures.

Interviewer: Well before we go, would you mind sharing with our viewers some methods they might use to avoid your tricks?

Satan: Well, since I know only a couple hundred people read this blog, sure. First of all, they should know that I know the Bible like the back of my hand- and they should too. After all, if they don’t, they can expect me to twist God’s precious Bible into so many different angles they won’t know what hit them.

Second, they should pray all the time, I mean, they are such ungrateful creatures. They pray when they need something and rejoice in their own abilities when they don’t. Third, they need to be in fellowship with other Christians, not just in church, but as accountability partners and friends.

Last, they need to lead a deliberate life, comparing each step in their journey with God’s will for them. When they don’t know God’s will it is so easy for me to lead them astray- I only have to get them .1 degree off course with each step- and a mile away they will be way off the mark. I can’t believe I just said all that. I need to wash my own mouth out with soup. Prayer, bible study, accountability partners, eeewwwhhh- No thanks!

Interviewer: Well, one last question, before you go. Do you have any pet peeves?

Satan: I knew you would ask. I don’t really want to answer this, but, well okay. I HATE when you people evangelize. I mean, I get someone into the perfect course of apathy or pride and you come along and teach them about their sinfulness and how they can’t be saved on their own. Why can’t you just leave well enough alone? You’ve got your salvation secured, so why bother me and my, lets call them “progeny.”

Interviewer: Well thanks for you time Satan.

Satan: Don’t mention it. Now if you don’t mind I have a few “projects” I am working on that require my attention.

Interviewer: Projects?

Satan: Well if you will keep this between us and off the record. I have my claws into some mainstream churches and this investment is paying off much better then I ever imagined.

Notes: What should you take from this parody? Be aware of how Satan tempts us. Buy a copy of C.S. Lewis’ Screwtape Letters and read it multiple times. Read God’s Word EVERYDAY, pray EVERYDAY (good times and bad), create opportunities for fellowship. Don’t let little things get under your skin, don’t be so easily offended, just forgive those who insult you and offend you. Half the time they don’t even know they have offended you!

Most importantly, don’t think everything from the devil looks evil and bad. Some of it looks downright humanitarian and good. If you don’t pray and read God’s word, you are an easy target for deception.